Aspen, where the beer tastes like...no, just no. That quip was funny circa 1994 and then it wasn't. So please, rule number one for this year's X Games goers: no Dumb and Dumber jokes. Phew, now that we have that out of the way, let's have some fun. So you're going to X games... What do you do? Where do you drink? What do you bring? Who are you? We have all the answers.

First of all, it's going to be cold. Like, brutally cold. so make sure you come prepared with an extra set of gloves.

Yeah, we know what we just did there. That movie's a classic... But really, bring layers: ski coat, long johns, beanies (insert shameless Ultra5280 beanie advertising here), cute clothes underneath all the layers for clubbin' and good shoes. You're standing on snow at the base of a mountain for the most part and you don't want to be the "it's hot when it's 5 degrees" Coloradan wearing webbed shoes or the girl in heels falling all over the place. We like to call this look, snow chic.

Now that you know how to dress, which we hope most of already knew how to, we'll tell you where to party. This year's concert schedule rivals watching Shaun White do a lot of twists and shit: Thursday night we have Snoop Dogg, Friday night Chromeo and Skrillex are playing and then Sunday we are graced by Wiz Khalifa.

If you are unimpressed by the musical guests then you should probably not be attending X-Games... But there are other options for you to get your drink on. Red Bull will be hosting after parties at Limelight that are sure to fulfill all of your alcoholic dreams and at least break one or two of your New year's resolutions. The top bars as told from the Aspen locals are: Belly Up, Eric's and Esko Bar. But you should plan on bringing a flask of whiskey to stay warm during the games because the best coat you can have in Aspen is always a liquor coat. ;)

Gear and misc. shit that you need:

Camelback if you have one or a water bottle. It is important to stay hydrated. You use energy when your body is cold and shivers which can dehydrate you just as quickly as would a warmer climate. Plus, you need all of your energy for the after parties to help you pick up pro athletes.

Whiskey. We already mentioned it, but it's integral to your survival.

Lotion, it's dry and cold. Nobody likes to touch your sand paper skin.

A portable and rechargeable phone charger. We like to use the Mophie Charger for long festival and event coverage. Because, you don't want to be unplugged when Bobby Brown announces an after party at his Aspen mansion.

And lastly, follow us on Instagram and Twitter for total coverage of events and up to the minute updates. We'll announce after party locations and raffle off some beanies, so stay connected!

Swanson, Swallow...Samsonite!